Tuesday, December 2, 2003
Oh, lonesome me....
I went to the lab today to get my blood taken for my last test. It was a 2 hour glucose test, which meant I was stuck 4 times. I am always amused having my blood taken because I went through a phlebotomy course and clinicals; so I know what they are doing, and if they are doing it correctly. Guess what? 98% of phlebotomists are not doing it by the book! But, they are the ones with the needles, so I don't say anything. Anyway, as I was sitting in the waiting room, watching people come and go, I realized that I am really a loner. I saw people who knew each other, saying hello and asking about thier holidays; and I saw people striking up conversations with one another and being friendly. Not that I'm not friendly, I am. I will say hi and smile. It just seems that I give off the "stand-offish" vibe. My mother says I'm too negative. That I judge people too harshly before I know them. Well, perhaps I do. I am not the sweet, down home, funny gal. I'm more of a dry humor, "Is she being rude or is she British?" kind of gal. My uncle is the same way, so I suppose you could say it runs in the family. In any case, I try very hard not to judge people before I know them. God has made it abundantly clear that I am not always on the money with my observations of others. I have found a few friends in people I would never have imagined being pals with, had I not gotten to know them. It seems whenever I begin a new relationship, I almost try to find something I don't like, so that I don't get too close to them. I know why. It's because in June of 2001 I lost my best friend to ovarian cancer. I miss her so much. We would talk for hours every day about everything and nothing. I suppose I don't want the hurt of losing someone again. However, sometimes I feel so lonely. I long to have a best friend,someone I can confide in and relate to. Someone to shop with and have lunch with and snicker over secrets together. You know what I mean? Yes, even a sahm gets lonely.
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4 comments:
Mom, that was a kind of sad entry. I think I understand you when you say you judge people too quickly, apparently, I got that from the family as well. I also have met people and became friends with people I never thought I would, take Emily for example..now she is my "best friend til the end in florida." But Mom, I really miss her too..I really miss Melinda..and I can't wait to see her. I love you.
~Betsy~
I totally related to this. I too just smile and wave. But thats because I am a loner and sort of like it that way. I hate cliques..except online cliques they are nice. But in real life I just don't want to be bothered and I don't fit in. always felt I was above that in some way. But bestfriends are great to have. I am so sorry you lost your friend. I lost a girlfriend she was only 24 to a bad asthma attack and lung infection. So I understand. Sorry you had to get all that bloodwork done..sucks!
Just found your journal....You are only a loner offline...here you are part of the journal community and a welcomed part. Lanny
I believe that when you experience loss like you described, you tend to try to protect yourself from ever going through that loss again by remaining a loner. I am a loner also, and often look at the relationships of others with a sense of sadness for myself. I don't think it has anything to do with being judgemental or negative. I think it's more of a quiet sadness.
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