My daughter started this life as a 7lb. bundle of pure joy. Eyes as big and blue as sun ripened blueberries, hair as black as night. She cooed, she cried, she smiled and laughed....I was her world and she was mine. She grew and still, held on to me for dear life. I was the one she came to with every disappointment and fear....with every celebration and accomplishment. As time has gone by, she hasn't needed me as much. She turns to friends to discuss her problems, and has discovered boys. Yet still, I sit and wait for her to come home, ready to lend an ear, just in case she needs me.
Sometimes I feel like I'm in a one sided relationship with my daughter. She doesn't talk to me, she has her own life outside our little cocoon of a family. She has no time for her little sister, and being with mom and dad is not the thing to do anymore. I know that we need to continue on with our family life, and let these changes occur naturally....but it feels unnatural. I guess the truth is I don't want it to change. We still have our moments of togetherness and one on one talks (which I cherish more than she will ever know), but not like before. I want to be the one she comes to with problems. I don't want her to come home from school and shut herself up in her room. I want her to talk to me instead of giggling on the phone with her girlfriend or guy friend. I know that is not going to happen, but I long for those days. They were so much easier....for me. Maybe I'm being selfish....I probably am.
It was much easier punishing with a time out for not playing nicely, than taking away the phone for lying about some silly thing. When she was little she would cry for a while, and then suddenly stop....and her little world would be wonderful once again. Now? I'm the "evil one" for days. I am the confiscator of the cd, imprisoner of the internet, keeper of the cellphone. I am on the receiving end of unintelligable mumbles, eye rolls and smart remarks. Does it get easier? Will I look back on it someday and laugh with her as she chases her toddler around the room? I'm sure....but right now it doesn't feel that way.
There is a theory that parenting is a part time job. You give birth, you rear them as best you can, you love them with your heart and soul....and then....you let them go. With them they take a piece of your heart....a piece that will never fully grow back. Of course, if it's part of God's plan, she will return with a husband and children and I will get to see the fruits of my labor grow and blossom into a loving family that I had a small hand in creating.
I suppose what I'm saying....what I am trying to tell myself at this frustrating parental moment is to take it one step at a time. I'm reminded of that movie Parenthood....the one with Steve Martin. It was toward the end when the wise grandmother said that life is like a roller coaster. You will have your ups during the good times, and the downs during the bad....but oh....what a ride....
19 comments:
Most parents realize that this is so true. At some time in her life, all you can do is be there when she falls and either pick her up or let her learn from her mistakes. Those will be the tough times and the choice will not be easy. But either way, the love never stops. Hugs Lanny
Sending you big hugs..I can totally relate to where you are..it hurts but know that all the love and caring is still there and as time goes on you guys will reconnect but as adults..its so sad but an important part of their growing up process..we are like old horse being put out to pasture as moms..lol..they've outgrown us but still need us. And all the love we have given to them keeps them tied to us in their hearts..huge hugs to ya..
Brenda
good evening!!I do not look forward to being in your shoes because i was in your daughters not so long ago. I have a 6 yr old girl that is super smart for her age and i don't know what i have got myself into so good luck.
my day of thought to you!
toni
I've really never been one to say I told you so LOL or what goes around comes around lol so .......................I won't
Aww,Sherry,I can sense the sadness in your entry.I'm sorry your feeling this way.From what I hear,your pretty lucky.I 've seen this stuff happen when they are 12 or 13.Yikes!She just needs to know that you are there for her when she needs you.Hugs to you..KIM
NO alert again GRRRRRR> NOW {{{{{{SHERRY}}}}}}}} I know how you feel. they say yes when they ahve kids they will come back. Tracy is 24 Monday and she does see things different ly. but its not like when we were all that an da bag a chips!!!!!!!! Yes I miss what you miss. they will come back to lean on us as they becomes moms then they will need to be tehre when we lean on them as we get old. I dont like what my mom is becoming. I dont like this phase of life at all. I know where you stand nad how you feel. OH how I want to go back so badly to when tracy was 9 adn Rachael was 2. Lori
((((Sherry)))) I know one day I will face the feelings that you are feeling right now. And yes, it is all apart of God's plan. She will never leave you, not really, those teenage years are tough ones. But one day she will be there like she never left. My mom was my best friend. We shared everything...and did everything together. I miss her more then words can say...
She will be back Sherry...she will.
((((huge hugs))))
What a beautiful entry Sherri and thank you for sharing these thoughts. I am really dreading the whole teen thing. I think my firstborn ten year old Nicholas may all ready be well on his way there. He spends way too much time in his room and with game cube and stuff like that. I miss him. All ready! Inevitably he comes out to socialize when I'm in the middle of something else. Then it's hard to drop everything and be there.
How will I get thru the teens I don't know! Your entry is helping me prepare so a big thank you for the insight to what's ahead. I had mine late and am a really slow learner-LOL!! I barely got thru having two teenage stepdaughters and I really was barely old enough to be their stepmom and I stink at step-parenting- he he ha ha but it's true!! It was really hard.
My question is how do we parents make up for the mistakes we make on our firstborns? Some days I wish I could do quite a few things over and way, way differently.
Hugs,
Lisa In Florida : )
Betty Davis Quote - "If your kids have never hated you then you weren't a good mother!"
I know I know...felicia is a talker...and I will write an entry tomorrow that you relate to about this if I remember. But I have been hurt by her too...almost just the same as you mention..that same hurt. Oh Sherry..it's so funny because all her baby memories came back to me today..and I walked her through my pregnancy with her and then childbirth....and then toddler hood. I MISS MY BABY. LIFE ISN'T FAIR. Oh if we could only go back for a little while. If we could hold their teenage hand and bring them back to look at when they were little so they could feel the joys we felt. My two oldest are so old and im going through it again with brianna but I wish I had all three little at the same time. So they could grow up together. I wanna start again with the same kids..I wanna do it over and over. Time goes just too fast for our hearts to catch up.
So well put. And we all end up in the same place. My dd is 17 and so focused on college and the world beyond home that she doesn't even notice the solid support and love that surround her here.
As painful as this is for you, this was a beautiful entry and so well expressed. How I wish the clock would stop so often. . . Alas, I do want to experience more too, so that is not possible. I can relate to this entry. Although I think the girls get tougher than boys at this stage. I will be thinking about you. Does your daughter read your journal? This whole mothering thins is so bittersweet! Cya, and best to ya, Kris
Aww, this was such a bittersweet entry. There's nothing I can add, you wrote just beautifully. ~Melissa
So very true about the rollercoaster. My boy just turned 18. What a blow that is! Hope you have some wonderful ups on that rollercoaster very soon!
Sigh, I felt as if I was reading my own journal while reading your entry! Although Bethany hasn't discovered boys yet (Thank GOD!), she does shut herself in her room and seperate herself from the family more and more now. I am also mourning this loss. I miss my little baby girl too. Just know you are not alone. I guess this is the start of the next level of being a mom. We are both in for a crazy ride!
Hugs and love, Lisa
P.S.: Sorry I didn't comment yesterday, I didn't get your alert. :(
I think every mother of teenagers will know exactly what your saying here! It is hard! I find that as I toughen up & accept the process, that can be interpreted by my daughters as proof that I don't care. They expect you to always be the same & ready to drop everything on the odd occasion that they want you. I suppose it's a two way process really, you have to accept them growing up & away from you and they have to accept that you will eventually need to fill the void with other things & move on yourself. Hopefully the result of this will be a friendship between two adults who have learnt to respect & cherish each other! You can see why it often goes wrong though can't you?? I've turned to work more as my kids have got older, partly to fund their increasingly expensive lifestyles & partly as a way of keeping myself too busy to interfere with them. Although they like the money & are grateful that I'm giving them more space & autonomy, every so often they accuse me of ALWAYS BEING TOO BUSY FOR THEM, or ONLY CARING ABOUT WORK, NOT THEM! Then I have to try & put my life on hold for a bit & drop back into being 'mummy' for a while!
living with teenagers is so difficult. They are wanting to spread their wings and become individuals. We encourage this and want to be part of it. The only problem being is they seem to not need us parents. I think a lot of it is peer pressure and needing mum and dad seems uncool. I think deep down they still need us and we will be the first they come to anything happened. I know what you mean about missing the closeness. I have been told it does come back with girls and you end up with a best friend as well as a daughter in the end.......Jules xxx
http://journals.aol.co.uk/jules19642001/Itsmylife/
It seems the older the get the less they need you. I'm starting to see this with Caitlin...she'll be in high school next year and I know it will be less and less. Just as long as they know that we will always be there for them no matter what and the lines of communication are open, sometimes you see the brief glimmer of them needing you. It's a part of growing up, not an easy part for the parents.
Gretchen
http://livinginsavannah.blogspot.com/
I can soooooooooooo relate! *hugs*
I can understand your distress...childhood passes so quickly and then, they're ready to step out on their own. Except, you've always been there to make sure everything went well and now you can't. It's all part of the process, and they aren't leaving, they are progressing, just as you are, and sad to say, each of us will lay in the bed you described in another piece, while the next generation assumes the mantle. It's Life, it's a roller coaster, a runaway train, a fantastic voyage, all at the same time, and we're only here for a little while, but what you give your children will live long after. Bruce
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